My father-in-law is from Greece. He is something to behold.
I call him the “Greek Menace” because he destroys my day every time he comes to visit. I have nothing against Greeks. I’m sure there are lots of Greeks out there that don’t smell like week old underwear and annoy everyone around them just by opening their mouth. If all Greeks ARE like my father-in-law, then perhaps we should wipe Greece off the face of the Earth.
He has been mooching off my mother-in-law for years. He doesn’t have a job commensurate with his education. He simply does odd jobs for a short amount of time then goes back to school. He has more degrees than Brittney Spears has DUI arrests. Yet for all that education, there isn’t one lick of sense in that tiny little Greek brain.
His mouth is like a good Japanese car; it never stops running. Everything he says is very profound and meaningful… just ask him. He talks kind of like Bela Lugosi, except the “Greek Menace” is fat and Greek. He does this stupid eye thing every time he wants to make a point, and that big, bushy eyebrow goes up and down to emphasize his speech. He looks straight into your eyes, as if the next thing to come out of his mouth will explain the meaning of life. His expression becomes dead serious and he slows down his speech tremendously so you are forced … to …… pay ………… attention ……………………… longer.
Nothing he says is profound. Very little of it actually makes sense.
Yesterday, we had lunch at a downtown restaurant. Of course, my wife makes sure he is sitting next to me (love of my life!) The waitress comes with the drinks and the Greek Menace is really thirsty, so thirsty that the stupid Greek empties his lemonade in record time. This will become a point of profound discussion.
“Loooook at my glass! Loooook at how much lemonade there is left. There is only a LITTLE! I was SOOOO thirsty that I drank my lemonade quickly!! Looooook at how much is left. It is funny how someone becomes sooooooooo thirsty!!”
I deal with these inane bloviations in the same manner. I nod my head, pretend to be interested, maintain eye contact, say things like “Yes… you are correct… absolutely… I see what you mean” and go to my happy place.
There’s my happy place… very nice.
Every morning, he takes an hour long shower. No shit. The Greek Menace spends longer in the shower than any person I know. You hear the water continuously going off and on. I have no idea what he does in there and I don’t want to know what he does in there. I usually run the hot water for a little while before I step in the shower after he uses it. I want to make sure I am not stepping in a load of greek “water babies” if you know what I mean.
Regardless of how long the shower is, he always come out smelling just a bad as when he entered the shower. If you want to get an idea of just how bad he smells, think about the worse smelling person you know. Ok… now imagine that smell and shit.
Then more annoying discourse about my great shower head when he finally comes out of the bathroom:
“Richard… your shower is SOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOD!!! The water … it is so warmmmm… and it comes straight down out of the shower head on top of me. It is sooo relaxing. I feel so goood after getting out of your shower.”
Of course I know how good my shower is; I use the fucking thing every day. I’m the one that bought the fucking shower head. Unlike the Greek Menace, I’m able to take a shower in about 7 minutes and not smell like gym socks and toilet scum when I’m finished.
So this annoying little shit knows that my wife and I quit smoking about a month ago. His wife quit smoking only a few days before they came for the visit. My wife told the Greek Menace that if he wanted to smoke his stinky cigarettes, he was going to have to take his fat Greek ass outside.
Of course, he can’t just sneak outside and enjoy his cigarette. He needs to make a big production out of it:
“RIGHT NOW… I am going to go outside and smoooke. Smooooking is soooooooo good! I enjoy smooooooking!”
It’s like waiving hypodermic needles and smack in front of a heroin addict. Somehow, my wife and I survived this ordeal without smoking. I think mostly because neither of us was going to walk out the door and listen to this fat fuck talk for an hour out in the cold.
He left this morning. For the next few weeks, the only “Greek” exposure I want are 19-year-old coeds wrestling half naked in K-Y jelly as a part of some strange sorority initiation. (Does anyone have a porno movie recommendation that includes just this topic?)
Until next time… YASSOU!!!
